"I care"

You’ve told me numerous times that you care and stupidly I believed you did. Deep down I do know you actually do care but then theres times like this and I know you don’t give two shits about me. If I was to tell you I was feeling shit right now I wouldn’t get a response for a good few hours and even when you did reply it would say something like “Aw that’s no good :( Whats up xxx” and I would tell you and then you wouldn’t respond after that. It would be a waste of time telling you that I am sad because I know you don’t want to help me.

You were the first person I opened up to about my eating and the first person I opened up to about a number of other things in the past year. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t told you some things but I’ve said them now and I do know things about you that others don’t so I guess it works out. But you’re the only person I’ve ever had to apologise to about not eating. Other people know but I just keep telling them I’m fine so they don’t need to worry anymore. I always let you down when I don’t eat and right now I feel really bad because I haven’t eaten properly since I last saw you.

You were so proud of me when I told you that I’d eaten every meal while I was last home and I told you that I was worried about coming back here because I was worried I was going to mess it up again. You told me you would message me and remind me to eat. I never got any reminders. None. That just shows me you really don’t care if I am eating or not. 

I sometimes read all the messages you’ve ever sent me about my eating and they make me sad because either you said something and didn’t follow through with the promise, I let you down or you said how happy you were for me. The first time I said I wasn’t eating you told me that “the whole eating thing does worry [you] because [I] need to eat”, another time you told me you really wished I would eat breakfast for you. Just before christmas you said I needed to do something about my eating and so I told you it was my new years resolution. A few weeks into January 2014 I told you how I had been eating more and that was the first time you said you were really proud of me and I was proud of myself for it too. 

Going through these messages also makes me quite sad. You’ve hinted at me that I should talk to someone about it since December. How did I not pick up on them until the other week when you told me straight up that I needed too. I am sorry I didn’t notice. You’ve also straight up told me you think I could eat more and I still haven’t. I am stupid. 

In a way I wish you were reading this but you would be even more disappointed in me. I don’t ever want to disappoint you. I’ve done it too many times before. But I am disappointing you right now, I haven’t eaten a single thing today and yesterday I ate 10 biscuits and a small bit of cold chicken (because I’m fat like that). I last ate a decent meal for dinner on Thursday night.. That’s nearly 4 days ago. I hate myself for it. I ate dinner on Friday night but that was just soup and bread so it doesn’t really count. I want to eat right now but I have no food to eat and I don’t want to go out and buy any either. I am sorry I let you down again. One day you probably will hate me because of it. Maybe then I’ll realise you did actually care but I was clearly just too dumb to notice it.

0 notes

Before you know it it’s 3 am and you’re 80 years old and you can’t remember what it was like to have 20 year old thoughts or a 10 year old heart.

- Unknown (via ohlovequotes)

(Source: psych-facts, via wintergirlus)

5,621 notes

I need to go to the supermarket because I actually have no food but it is wet and cold and I don’t want to change or spend money so I will sit in bed and wait for dinner in 6 hours

1 note